Enough excuses. Enough blaming someone else. Enough feeling I can't, or I shouldn't, or even that I won't.
We randomly stumbled across a show on the Ironman 2007 last night. I CRIED. Ok, I'm a fairly emotional person, but this was truly touching. 2.4 mile swim, 112 mile bike, 26 mile run in scorching weather - among those who FINISHED this (including those beautiful people who weren't mentioned) were a man with no legs, a man who had nearly died 3 years ago in a car crash and had to be completely rehabilitated, and a blind grandfather. (A woman who was a newbie to the Ironman actually won for the women that year.) What in the world is my excuse??
I have journaled a lot recently (and need to move it here to the blog), but there is an angry fire starting in me. It is a strong one. It is burning away a lot of pain, a lot of fear. By necessity it is uncomfortable and forces me to take more still time (i.e. away from the computer, the dishes, even the kids) to be with the heat. But I don't want to put it out. I have an entire entry to do on this, but know that if you feel yours burning too...stick with it.
I also am embracing how effected I am by energy. I embrace that I am all energy - physical, mental, spiritual - whatever! - and that I am (for the good or bad) really influenced by that around me. A while ago I read some things on how to change that about myself (how to make yourself less influenced by others!!)...and tried without success. Now I'm glad. Instead of trying to change it, I'm learning how to work with it. While I'm still using various techniques to stop being affected by angry or indifferent folk around me, I'm LOVING the positive vibe effect...
For example, this morning I decided to do strength training. (A light bit of rain and 42 degree temps would not be fair to take my daughter out running in again...) I knew I wanted a bit more cardio, so I looked up "Triathlon Motivation" on YouTube. The videos I found on there got me through a heart-pumping, high pace 20-minute cario session on the elliptical. At one point I cried again. Yep, I admit it. I LIKE being able to feel this, to feel the pains and successes of little video people who I will probably never meet. I LIKE being able to translate that into my own energy, to use it to pump me through the next mental thoughts that I might stop. This is MY life, my little swirl of personal energy, and baby - I'm going to play by my rules.
If I feel like a nap this afternoon, I'm going to take one and deal with the consequences of procrastination (tomorrow I'll be running around). If I feel like watching 2 more hours of triathlon videos, I just might do it. But I will do it from motivation to rediscover who I am - to rest when I need to, find motivation when I need to, and MOVE to BE.
Enough blaming others, or the weather, or time, or responsibilities, or ANYTHING or ANYONE.
I'm going to go live some more. Au revoir - may you find the same energy today and reconnect with me along the way.