Being Breath

stories from the wilderness of everyday life

Funny The Way It Is.

Ok, so I didn't win the contest to see the Dave Matthews Band on the private island. And you know what? I'm completely ok with it! As much as I wanted it and as cool of an opportunity as it is, there are so many things I discovered in the past 24 hours that are worth way more than the trip. Strangely, I was almost relieved when I didn't get the call at 7 a.m. this morning. WHAT, you ask?! Ah...read on.

First, I've got a lot of love coming my way. It is absolutely beautiful. I want to thank YOU, yes YOU. Whether you read this and comment from time to time, or remain anonymous and just follow quietly, I am so grateful for you. Knowing that someone out there is sharing in this life I am creating and touched by it is a beautiful thing.

Second, I discovered....dun, dun, dun.....MORE FEAR. Later in the day yesterday, I started thinking about the logistics of the cruise. It left on a Friday and returned on a Monday. That meant we'd have to find childcare for our two kiddos for 4 days AND figure out how to get Tyler to and from school on both Friday and Monday. This would be a huge impostition on several people. We are also quite tight on moola and I knew there would be additional expenses (taxes, souveniers, etc). While I'd started just trying to calm myself down and prepare for the reality of not winning, I was now almost regretting having gotten registered at all.

The little voice inside suddenly cried out, WHAT?! You are seriously doubting that you'd want to take a once-in-a-lifetime adventure, an (almost) free excursion that others are paying $8000+ for (I saw an online auction that had closed - yup, people paid over $4000 a ticket), go on a cruise with your hubby...all because of a few logistical details? WHO ARE YOU?!

I love my little voice. She keeps me who I am.

With all of the excitement and the simultaneous encroaching fear, I wasn't about to sleep. So I journaled. Ah how I love that release. And even more, I love what came out last night.

Here's a snippet:

"...This is tapping into every fear that holds me back from a true, free life. The constrictions of reality are all too often reinforced. And sometimes they are all I can hear. (Money. M-O-N-E-Y. "Real life". Schedules. Committments. Shoulds.)

I've let go a lot less than I'd like to think I have.

...Yes, BUT...childcare is important / money is important / you won't always have someone to watch the kids / you love things too much to let go / you can't live without money / whats more important the kids or a concert / we don't have additional money for this /....

...creating requires buying things & you need to start making money to justify the expenses / you should be contributing to your family to society / what if something happened to Chris? / I'm physically hurt / I'm too tired /

I'M AFRAID.

I'M AFRAID of losing. of being judged. of having my course changed. of death. of finanical stress. of not being able to afford what I want and even more so of wanting what I can't afford. of saying no. NO. of failing. being made fun of. being JUDGED. of not being in control. that my values don't match that I like money more than I'll admit that I'm materialistic. That I'll be called out as a fraud. You aren't a yoga teacher / artist / fit person / photographer!

Breathe."

I am amazed at the depth of self union I had simply from being caller number 9.

I've known all of this for quite some time, logically at least. But last night, for whatever reason it really tickled my soul. I FELT it. And I Feel the fears that hold me back. I'm not quite ready to let them all go. But I realize they are there - I know my grip on shoulds, "reality", etc. I'm not going to get angry and fight (that is counterproductive). But gently, slowly, I'm going to keep trying to accept that fear really is the only thing holding me back.

Right now I fear I'm probably ticking off my hubby because I told him I'd be upstairs probably half an hour ago.

BREATHE.

Funny the way it is, when you think about it....

(By the way, I heard on the radio the woman who did win the contest. She sounded very excited. I am so so happy for her and wish her a beautiful trip.)