Being Breath

stories from the wilderness of everyday life

Guilt.


I have a few topics to blog about today, but I'll start with the one heaviest on my mind. Funny how guilt can sometimes be a strong motivator and at other times, a heavy deterrent.

I admitted that I didn't train or workout yesterday.

This morning, I donned full running gear before leaving the house for the bus stop. The plan was to bring Dilana back to the house and set off for my run while Chris watched her. Several things happened in the short time in between bus & run departure: Dilana threw a fit all the way down the street. While trying to hold her squiggly, wiggly body, I felt a twinge in my back. When we got home, Chris asked if he could lay down again (as he still wasn't feeling good from arriving home at 3 a.m. after the Metallica concert). I couldn't leave a not-happy Dilana with a sleeping Chris - the best kids show in the world wouldn't have kept her entertained.

With running gear still on, I went out and weeded - and weeded, and weeded, and weeded. (We have a lot of weeds.) The entire time I was struggling with my guilt for not running. A big part of me craved it, but a bigger part of me was saying, "Yeah, but...". The buts were good excuses. But nothing that true determination couldn't have dealt with.

My guilt motivated me at times - I knew I'd have to admit that I didn't run which made me even more determined to get a run in after Chris woke up. But it was also a strong deterrent - it drained me of so much energy that I almost stopped weeding at one point and just went in to sit in front of the t.v.
I also wondered why I was so upset over missing my run - after all, a few months ago I would have been thrilled with myself for staying up, fighting through my exhaustion of dealing with Dilana, and accomplishing so much physical activity (i.e. weeding...which actually got my heart rate up!). I know part of it is that I felt as though I was backing out on myself. I'd made a committment that morning and didn't follow through. (Yeah, but....)

I'm also aware that there is a time to let go. Interestingly, I'm reading a book on creativity right now that discusses the authors' definitions of goals versus intentions. She states goals are quite helpful but they can be like putting on blinders. You get focused on one path and if you veer from that path you "fail". Intentions can include heading towards a goal but with peripheral vision. You are aware of the surrounding circumstances and can hold onto intentions while allowing the path to organically emerge. (It's a great book thus far - Creative Awakenings by Sheri Gaynor.)


I promise to you I'm not copping out of my triathlon goal, but I realized that my whole intention is to develop a healthy and productive lifestyle (and hopefully bring Chris & the kids along with me). I am getting in the habit of waking each morning and being physically active - incorporating cardio & weights (as well as yoga, of course!) - into a daily routine. My intention included finding discipline. I am succeeding in that. Therefore, if I can get over my guilt of not running, I can realize that my goal of the triathlon is still there. My intention of living a healthy and productive lifestyle was still met this morning through a very healthy and productive time outside!

I am still training for a triathlon. It is, and will remain, my goal. (Hmm. Think I'm trying to convince myself as well?!?!) But most importantly, my intention of remaining discplined to be that gorgeous self my body craves - healthy & well inside and out - is my top priority.
Time to celebrate it and burn away the guilt.