I'm Learning. (a.k.a. Fear Sucks.)
*I am a big old scaredy cat. If someone peeked in the windows of my home they'd see me cowering in the corner. But once I leave the house I walk with the confidence of a Diva. It's not a good way to live.
In the process of creating this big project I'm working on, this next step in my life, I walked confidently forward oh-so-sure of where I was headed. Aaand then I ran into the mirror.
Allow me to share a conversation I had with myself in my journal (yeah, I do this sometimes. It's odd, yes, but it works.):
What the hell am I doing? What is this project for?
And there it was. My fears standing with hands on hips, not letting me go any further, shoo-ing me back to where I've sulked off so many times. And because I was walking so confidently, I didn't even see them until I'd run into them!
These things have been said already. No one really cares. The medium (art, web, writing) will water down or interfere with the message & I won't be able to share it again. My views are nothing but a collaboration of others' - the more I read, the more I view other blogs, I see it's all already been done and said. Nothing new. I'll put my deepest messages out there, make myself vulnerable, to be met with scorn ...or worse.....indifference.
I'm not good at rejection. I can't do this.
Oooh, then I get ANGRY.
NO ONE tells me I can't do something. Even myself.
But the problem is that I usually storm back in the other direction. My fears are still standing there, hands on hips, smirky grin on their face. ("You'll be back.") Like a child playing Red Rover, I just revert to my comfort space, get angry, filled with ideas, and charge forward again thinking that maybe this time I'll break through the hand hold. It never works.
I'd love to end this post with " and then I found my aha moment and this is how you can do it to for only $199 - send money now!! ". I feel dirty even writing that.
Truth is, I'm still here. I didn't retreat. I have taken a step closer to my fears and am standing face-to-face with them so close I can feel their breath on my forehead. I gotta say, they look a bit confused. They haven't backed down, but neither have I. I'm going to stay here until I figure out how to get past them.
I'm not naive. I know that even if I slip past they will still be there and it's pretty likely I'll find some more on my path. But guess what...if I get past these doozies, even if I try to retreat next time I won't be able to go all the way back. I'll run back into these fears I now face, realize that I'm on the other side of them, and have a new "comfort" place.
This is where I am. I'm hoping to confidently walk past (or at least slip around the side) here pretty soon. But I can't say when that will happen....thus, when my big project will actually be revealed.
Right now, I'm working with "Taking Flight" by Kelly Rae Roberts. It is STUNNING. It is speaking to me on every step of this process, calling to me over the shoulders of these big fear bullies. (I'll be writing more about her book later.) I have wonderful friends (on both sides) offering encouragement.
I'm going to keep sipping on my chai, playing with my kiddos, journaling until my hand hurts, playing with working out, and glaring at these fear sons-o'-bitches. (See? Hubby says I curse like a sailor at home but I never do it when I go out or online. I'm terrified of offending someone! Already my fingers are typing I'm So Sorry If I Offended You. But, dear readers of my blog, this is me! For those who appreciate honesty in this format, I recommend checking out a site I ran across last night, http://www.ittybiz.com/. You'll love it.)
I'm not backing down. But being who I am, snarky and all, as I pass these tall fear monsters - on the way past I'm going to give them a little kiss on the cheek.
See you on the other side.