Admitting Who I Am
It began with email boxes that climbed back over 1000 emails, laundry that had to be washed twice because it was forgotten in the washer, a lost library book, and gesso that actually went bad.
I came home after a weekend away, after a blissful evening picnic in one of my favorite state parks, feeling the wind calm the corners of my face and my soul, walked inside my home.....and yelled at my kids.
Immediately as we walked into the house, I was flooded with thoughts. What needed to be done. What was left at home that wasn't done. What could and couldn't be done and, yes, what should and shouldn't be done.
I don't even remember why I yelled - I think one of them whined about something I felt was trivial and I simply exploded. How can they whine about THAT when I have all of THIS to do?
There is so much to take away from this. I have processed it, apologized, returned to my breath. Yet what sticks with me like a thick syrup is the energy I waded into when returning "home". And I am immediately taken back - with that deep SIGH - to what I know needs to be done.
You see, my thoughts while falling asleep at night have all been filled with slowing and simplifying. And my stomach has felt in a state of tension ever since I recognized what I need to do....because I don't want to do it.
I know that I have too much clutter in my life - in my home, in my body, and in my mind.
I know there is a stack of mail requesting donations that we simply need to admit we are not going to make. I know there are piles of craft and art materials that I am simply not going to use. I know I have piles of magazines I will never open again, no matter how much I convince myself otherwise. I know I have emails I will never respond to, brilliant course ideas (and pages of related documents) that it is not my time to teach, dozens of online and local courses that I am not going to take (but still hang onto the paper and email reminders just in case.)
The problem is (ok, ONE problem is) that tossing or donating or not signing up or letting go requires an active commitment on my part. It is a commitment to a person I am afraid to be. It is a committment to living every moment mindfully so that I am present enough to make the decisions that need to be made.
I have to admit to myself that we make far fewer donations than I'd like to - but doing so makes me fear I am not a generous person.
I have to admit that I am not as crafty or artsy as my studio area would proclaim - but getting rid of items makes me fear I'm not an artist.
I have to admit that I don't make time to create nor read nor follow through on ideas nearly enough to justify the hundreds of online documents and papers I have collected. Doing so makes me wonder who I am between all those things I haven't yet done and the stories that are no longer me.
The thing is, I want to be the creative person who uses up all of those supplies I have, responds to those donation letters with even a small donation every time, reads, absorbs, and uses all of those words of wisdom I've garnered from online classes and books. I want to respond to each and every email and comment - to honor the person who sent it and connect. I want to use that elliptical, those weights, that healthy thing in my pantry that I bought for some recipe that is long lost.
But acknowledging who I am right here and right now, I realize I have a choice to make. I either act like that person or I let go of pretending that I am.
And I continue to mindfully define that person each moment forward.
I can hear some of you yelling right now, don't give up on your dreams! (Seriously. Why are you yelling at your computer?) To which I respond - my dreams don't have room to even breathe with all of this crap in here. If I don't start letting go, my dreams will suffocate.
All of this clutter. All of these thoughts. These stories and ideas of who I am or who I will be, might be, could be - someday.
Everything I try to falsely bring into right here, right now is making
right here, right now very difficult to live in.
And it is making me yell at my kids.
I acknowledge this is not who "I" am - so I let go of the stories and the clutter that have defined me until now.
Argh, my tummy cringes knowing I'm putting this out there to the world.
Amidst the fun journal art I will share of what I'm doing over at 21 Secrets, the paintings I continue to do late at night, the Yoga - ah, the yoga - that graces my mat and my heart....I will also share how this transformation is going. This is probably the first of many posts that will document this journey. I don't want to bore you with what got cleaned out... I share Because I hope on some level it will inspire you to do the same.
To stop ignoring the clutter in your own life because you are afraid of the person underneath it all.
Together we will discover just how beautiful we are and start radiating the truths that will make us all whole.
I'm going to go start with the dirty dishes.
(A good friend, Kathy, is going through her own beautiful transformational process and sharing at her site, Bliss Habits. I encourage you to take a look and cheer her on with me as she celebrates "Order" week and tries to pare down her wardrobe to 40 items!)