Being Breath

stories from the wilderness of everyday life

Eenie Meenie Miney Moe

Eenie Meenie Miney Moe

Which Direction Will I go?

Will I be a painter

or, perhaps today, a mom

Shall I pack our schedule

or shall I keep it calm?

Do I let them watch t.v.

while my work gets done

or should I forgo the business stuff

and just have a bit more fun?

Do I blog then head on 

 Facebook to sell my wares? 

Or do I parent my children

about how one loves and shares?

Eenie Meenie Miney Moe

Which direction shall I go....

Collage_TAndPainting.jpg

The kids are home for the summer. It is on these days that I feel most torn between the many parts of "me" that I dance with each day.

When others talk about setting priorities, it seems fairly straight forward. Set a goal using something like the SMARTER goal plan, outline the steps you need to get there, put the steps on the calendar. At home, you can have chore charts and multi-lined calendars with each family member's activities color-coded. (Not that we've ever been that organized.)

My problem - and I'd guess I'm not alone - involves conflicting priorities. 

I REALLY want to get my next painting done. I REALLY want to get the website redesigned. And I REALLY REALLY want to get this super-secret project that I've been working on for months completed and revealed in the next 2 weeks.

And I REALLY want to implement and follow through with these creative and educational projects I've started with the kids. I REALLY want to get the house clean so I'm not frantic each day. And I REALLY REALLY want to take the kids to the park, and get them both comfortably swimming in the pool, and listen fully every single time they come to share a story with me about what they just found in the yard.

This isn't the first month I've run into this problem. I did have to learn something very early on:

I cannot feel guilty about what I am not doing.

It was easy to get caught up in the cycle of always feeling as though I should be doing more, or if not more, then at least something different. If I had turned the kids away so I could write, I felt as though I SHOULD be upstairs playing with them. And if I was out at the park for the second day in the row, I felt as if I SHOULD be getting that project done that I'd promised myself I'd have completed a week ago.

That led to a lot of days of suffering, no matter what I was getting accomplished.

These days, I'm much happier about being simply with what I'm doing. But that doesn't mean there isn't still a struggle.

Each morning - and again an hour later, and then at lunch time, and then 15 minutes after that... - I am playing a game of priorities.

If I always put my kids first, my business will go nowhere. If I always put my business first, ... well, that's just not going to happen.

I still feel the need to apologize when I don't meet my own expectations or (what I perceive) are others. I'm sorry I didn't get the tent built, kiddos - I had to stay focused on that post. I'm sorry I didn't get that email back to you sooner - I ended up taking the kids out for dinner. One of these days I know those words will slip away. For now, it is where I am in my practice.

Each day is a dance, a game of Eeenie Meenie Miney Moe - picking between all of these important paths (that, I must add, I am blessed to have). Some days are easier than others. Some moments are easier than others.

And I'm not just choosing between being a mom and an entrepreneur, but between being someone who does cardio that day and someone who rests, someone who eats healthy food versus someone who eats quickly-prepared foods, someone who maintains a consistent online presence versus someone who just checks in every once in awhile....

No single choice defines me, but the combination of all of these choices creates the reality in which I live. So while I don't fret over the ones I didn't choose, I do give a fair amount of attention to and contemplation over the ones I have chosen.

Every mundane moment matters.

So I choose, I dance, I worry, and I release. 

Eenie Meenie Miney Moe...

Today, which direction will YOU go?

Namaste