Have You Let Go Of The Wheel?

I think there is something we aren't admitting to ourselves.

I stumbled upon it this week, quite by accident.  I'm pretty sure I've known it before...and even shared it in a few different ways with you ... but for whatever reason, this time it punched me in the face.

Bam.

Pay attention.

Watching life speed by.

Let me start by sharing what probably woke up this sleeping revelation (and very well could be your alarm as well):

I'm just coming off a whirlwind high from my Encaustic Experience class.  Nearly every night, I was working until at least 9 p.m., sometimes well past that.  For six or so weeks, every member of my family knew where to find me: in front of the computer, the video camera, or passed out on the bed.  It was an AMAZING experience...and a huge adjustment.

This round is officially over (yes, THIS round...stay tuned!), and I've had a few days "off".  I've been able to get caught up on laundry again, start tackling my inbox, and even go out to lunch with my husband.  In between those times, I'm still working - blogging, designing the next class, getting ready for the re-launch of the Encaustic Experience, and painting / creating every chance I get.

While things have been peaceful (and far more relaxed around the house), I had this nagging feeling inside that something isn't right.  Finally, I sat down to journal and just let it all come out.  

I was totally surprised by what I discovered.

I'm terrified.

Not of the spider on the floor (he looked friendly enough), not of running out of chai (we always have backup boxes of concentrate), and not of running out of ideas (I have notebooks full).

I'm not even terrified of being busy again - and that is what surprised me most.

I am terrified of slowing down.

I am afraid that if I don't come out with the next class quickly, I lose people.

I am afraid that if I don't blog consistently, even when I've nothing to say, followers will lose interest and stop showing up.

I am afraid that if I don't make money again soon, my husband or some relatives or some friends will question my sincerity of commitment to the business.

I am afraid that if I don't make money again soon, I will question the sincerity of my commitment.

I am afraid that I'm just becoming "comfortable" with slowing down and taking the easy way out.

I am afraid that if I don't plan out my next year, with classes in order, blog posts at the ready, and paintings ready to ship out, that I will never get anywhere with this business.

I am afraid that if I don't feel stressed, that I'm not working hard enough.

I am afraid that by letting myself slow down, I will  .....

what?

Disappear?

The thing is, I want a slow-paced life.

I don't like being rushed.  I don't like the pressure of 20 commitments the second I wake up.  And believe it or not,

I think one can successfully run a business, maintain a beautiful household, and raise happy children at this slow pace.

(At least, this is what I believe deep down and am trying to allow the rest of myself to trust.)

This is contradictory to everything I've been told (outside of the tale of the tortoise and the hare).  I've been told that slowing down in a business can mean the end of that business.  And in life, slowing down means a much slower walk to "success"...if you ever reach it at all.

So I rush, get exhausted, and give up on one thing or another (an idea for a class design here, a redesigned room in the house there...).  I find a bit of rest, my breath, a bit of inspiration, and enter the cycle all over again.

And while I honor the cycle, I'm slowing down the wheel.

And yes, I'm terrified.

But again and again, I ask myself: What's the rush?  

We can hurry through one business idea after another, rush the kids from one lesson to another, treat ourselves to one thing or another, deny ourselves one thing or another.

Why are we so anxious to get on to the other?

I am most at peace when I am able to be present.  And I am most able to be present when I'm not concerned with what is coming next.  And I'm least concerned with what is coming next when I feel like I can handle what is, right now.

The second I become overwhelmed, the whole peace-cycle falls apart.

And the second the wheel speeds up, I become overwhelmed.

See where all of this is going?

So admit it.  Your wheels are spinning a bit fast as well.  You might even be as scared as I am to slow them down.  

What would people think if you just sat on the couch for an hour - no t.v., just sat?  What would happen if your next project didn't come out in 6 weeks, but instead, 6 months?  

What would happen to you if you slowed down? 

I can't tell you the answers.  But I can tell you this:  

It is worth finding out.

Let's discover together, shall we?  

Go ahead, share with me how you'll slow down....it's easier when we're not alone.

Namaste.

Comments

[Linnea]

I think we need a (pardon my vernacular) "slow-the-hell-DOWN" paradigm shift in our thinking. Do we need to become inert? No. But this constant, adrenaline- and cortisol-fueled "GOGOGOGOGO" is bad for our health.

I think it's possible to be big in a small way. I also think if anyone can figure out how to do this, it's you. (I will always read your blog, even if you post once a month, because I know I'll come away better for the experience.)

[Jill]

Lisa, you have read my mind/heart. I feel like the process of becoming a new mom is already a full-time, hectic job. I have to do this and that, prepare my birth experience, read up on Breastfeeding, and the list goes on...
Funny how this "natural" process is becoming unnatural.

Aside from that, I am trying to fully become the person and mother I want to be, before my daughter enters this world. What does that mean? Many things. And I want it to happen overnight. But I know I need to slow down. I need to focus (or not focus) on one thing at a time but it seems to also create anxiety.

Thanks for your post.

[Jo]

LOL Once again 'great minds....' !!! Not that I regard myself as a 'great mind' but, well, you know what I mean. We two always seems to be aligned in these 'crescendo' moments!

I wonder if we are simply addicted to this 'idea' of busy-ness: that without demonstrating a busy life, constant activity, full diary, evidence of focused industry etc etc we 'fall short' in some way. 'Fall short' of what though? The expectation that without lots of frantic scurrying about, high stress levels and crammed timetables we will fail, be less of a person, not be worthwhile, be deemed as lazy or failures? That by demonstrating that we are 'oh soooo busy' we are worthy of love, acceptance, recognition, success and belonging?

I wonder too if we have this gaping great 'hole' in our lives that we believe needs to be 'filled' with something in order for us to feel like we are whole, complete people. We believe that by being 'whole' we will ultimately be content and happy in our lives. So we endeavour to 'fill' this hole with all sorts of things. Within our contemporary culture I wonder if this is actually busyness. But, sadly, it has the opposite effect to what we actually desire: the more busy we become the more we ache to feel content and whole and worthwhile, we find ourselves becoming increasingly distant from our loved ones, lives, community and world. This ache is not content to stay silent often and eventually becomes a scream of searing pain which we endeavour to block out with more busyness!!!! Perhaps our greatest fear is that by stopping being busy we will actually have to listen to these screams and discover that we are not the 'whole' people we so long to be.... and that's terrifying!!!

Deep down I believe ALL of this striving for busyness is a complete 'mirage' and that such ideas are ultimately erroneous and deluded (as spiralling statistics demonstrate with the impact of such thinking on mental, physical and spiritual health and well-being, plus both family life and social action.) The fact that actually SLOWING DOWN and practicing moment by moment awareness has the complete opposite effect and adding a quality and richness that can be achieved in no other way seems almost alien! Yet I believe each one of us is called to be a whole, complete person and the only way of discovering it is to STOP.

Yes, I've written quite an essay here but I DO believe all this passionately. BUT, and this is a humungous but, in reality I do struggle with the 'follow through'... partly because I'm scared that I may be wrong and also that, by pursuing and encouraging a radically different perspective can be regarded as profoundly contraversial and potentially alienating too. I don't want to be regarded as critical or judgemental at all! Plus, and lets be brutally honest about this, like any obsessively addictive, compulsive, in-grained, habitual behaviour, all this 'busyness' can be sooooo hard to kick!!!!!!

Its hard to stop in the midst of a raging river and simply stand firm, let alone change direction entirely. Perhaps we should simply be kind and loving to ourselves... making that transition, from what we know in our hearts/minds/soul/bodies to be true, into action is a 'practice' as your inspirational sacred space here regularly reminds us.

My sincere apologies for this being a lengthy post but.....

Love you loads!
xxxx

[Tracy]

"I am afraid that if I don't feel stressed, that I'm not working hard enough."... This post really struck a chord with me too, Lisa--big time! With my own little fledgling creative business--still really getting this off the ground, really--I have felt the same at time. I also have chronic fatigue, and that makes life challenging to begin with. But I'm at a place where I have felt I can, and must, try for this little business and see where it takes me. I know for my health it have to slow down. And truth is, I perform and live better when I slow down. I think as creative people we want to do, be, try everything...all the time. We think we'll gain so much more if we keeping going at rocket speed. Lately though, I find I gain more when I slow down, or even stop, more often. Mini-digital sabbaticals, short creative retreats (either at home or elsewhere), a day off... it's the little things that refresh and recharge the batteries. We can't go or create optimally on empty. We have to slow down and fill the well. Your insights share are always engaging and inspiring. :o)

[Melissa]

Oh Lisa! My heart, my body and my soul scream YES to your words here. Even my mind has got on the Slow Down Train, even if she's hiding in the caboose & hoping no-one else realizes she's a stowaway..... My word, my intention, for this year was Simplify and throughout the year I've been cursing myself for not simplifying enough aspects of my life, but reflecting upon your post here and the respondant's comments and a conversation with a friend & fellow artist just yesterday, I now realize I have slowed my pace this year in general. Maybe not in every area that I planned and I haven't cleaned out those cupboards of clutter, but in general I have slowed a little....and I'm definately feeling more at ease with the new pace. I'm not there all the time, don't get me wrong. I'm often caught up in the hurry, hurry, rush, rush, but....the difference is I'm not as comfortable on that train now. I came to the realization some time back that I hid in busyness in order to cope with the 'challenging stuff' life was throwing at me, keeping busy so as not to think too much, to keep my stress at bay (kinda counter-productive as it kept increasing my stress & so I'd get busier & so the vicious spiral continued). Thanks for the reminder, thanks for the reelection, thanks for reading my mind, my heart and my soul's desire and articulating so beautifully. Xx

[hali]

you have voiced something so real and true in the awareness of so many of us right now, that I'm not even going to try to find the right words to express everything you've touched upon inside of me. i can say, though, that many of these very ideas have been the truth that has been showing itself so clearly to me over the past... so many months. i am terrified, too - and it is interesting to now be on the side of witnessing that terror and the slow breakdown of very deep patterns... interesting and liberating to.just.be.aware. and not know really where to begin to shift it.... except to simply breathe deeper, slow the tempo.

one of the most beautiful things that has been becoming *real* in my experience of allowing myself a slower pace (when i remember) - is that time itself (the hours, days, years) seems to just fly when i am so very very busy that i can't keep up. it *always* feels like a race with time. yet when i make conscious choices to slow down, to drop the deadlines, say no, soak it up, give it up, rest and relax and sink into the pace that is truly my own... time itself moves slower, perceptively. by that, i mean, i am able to enjoy more, feel more fulfilled, less discontent/stressed/incompetent, etc etc. it is amazing to feel the satisfaction that can come - on the vibrational level - of just slowing down. quantity decreases; quality soars... inside. when i can keep my mind from ALL of the distractions that tempt us otherwise.

i feel so much of this comes from a deep need for a sense of security and belonging and purpose, and also this idea that we have to be the *first* one to get 'it' out there - whatever that means. the first to shine. the first to say it. the highest numbers, etc etc. especially in the 'initial' stages of trying to create a sustainable way of living in how we engage with the world. i am working to release the notion of 'initial' or final or stages, even... to breathe into the fullness of the journey itself as if it is a continuum where time and accomplishment have no bearing, as if my identity and sense of self are not wrapped up in what i do and put out there, but in how i *feel* (physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually) in the doing or non-doing of any one moment of being. this is taking lots of gentle internal dialogue... and the best part is that, on all of those levels of *feeling*, i like MY pace. it is a pace in which i can stretch in, love in, yawn, nap, run, laugh, cry, create with passion in. it is all that is truly mine.

i think i said i wasn't going to say much. :) This is an incredible post - thank you for this reflection - yours and mine. love-n-light,h

[Maia / Liberated Life Project]

I love this, Lisa. And I'm right there with you on all of it... the yearning for a moment-by-moment life, with time to savor everything, and the fears of not doing 'enough,' of what happens when everything stops. We'll just keep learning together : )