How Do You Hate Hate?
08.2.2012 She is me.
She is my fierce nature. She is the take-no-bullshit, get-out-of-my-way pusher.
She rushes through me with a surge of energy, one that is almost addictive.
And though we are one and the same, there is her...and there is me. When I am me, I recognize us both. I feel us both. I acknowledge that I am both. I love. I connect. I am peaceful in my core, even when highly emotional everywhere else in my being. I feel a sense of allowing.
When I am her - all I see is what she wants me to see. Anger. The "RIGHT" way. I hate. I disconnect. I am fire, burning anything I touch - even that which I don't want to destroy. I feel the need to control.
Until we are one, I will not find peace.
"The theory of mindfulness insists that accepting uncertainty and the experience of personal control are inseparable." (p87, On Becoming An Artist, Ellen Langer)
Every time a bit of uncertainty or fear creeps in, every time I see "other" threatening "me"...she pops in. She feels the need to control - and yet, she is not mature enough to understand that trying to control - and trying to take responsibility - are vastly different.
"Personal growth is marked by being responsive rather than reactive to the world around us" (p. 67, On Becoming An Artist, Ellen Langer)
I do not want to get rid of her. She is power. Nor do I want to celebrate her, as some strength-filled warrior woman. She is mindless and disconnected.
She is what she is.
I am what I am.
For now, I simply pay attention. I notice when a comment online or an action offline leads to the swell in my gut when I know she is taking control. The quickening heart, the slight burn in my chest, the shortening breath...she's oh-so-easy to spot.
I sit with the persistent question, How do you hate "hate"?
Please, help -- how do you?
Reader Comments (4)
Love the photo, Lisa!
Always in the same journey of rejecting and embracing the fighter in me.
I heard a great description recently of "Vajra energy," which is anger in one form and "mirror-like wisdom" in another form. Two interwoven sides of one coin. There is so much truth in this. I try to sit with the feeling of the anger, without reacting... waiting for the insight side of anger to slowly surface form the swirling depths of the feeling.
Anger is juicy life energy... it is the mama-bear energy that protects your children. It is the force that motivates you to make changes, both within and without. The trick for me is not to turn it into a habit or pattern, to keep it flowing like a river... or like a fire... til it burns through leaving clarity.
gratitude for your honest soul-searching words, beautiful sister. <3
I love this post and really needed to read it. Thank you! I am always on the fence. My heart whispers "be still" and my mind screams "stand up, take action, speak!" This can be a tough one for me, especially as a philosophy major, all I used to do in class was discuss things. But there is a right way, place and time to do it. I try so very hard to be 100% respectful of everyone's opinions and rights. I find myself wanting to put in my 2 cents and hoping at the least I can provide food for thought, not throw fuel to the fire. Sometimes it adds to the discussion and opens it further for new information (for me and them) and sometimes it just stirs the pot. The later is not my intention (ok, not usually). I think it is important for people to discuss things and open themselves further, and understand one another, whether they agree or not. Then there are times like when my niece, who is family, not a random person posted something controversial and I probably should have stayed away. I was just so shocked to see such young people, college students, standing up for what I felt was injustice, not justice, and blind faith. But afterwards I asked myself, "Who the hell do you think you are? Judging THEM? You don't know most of them! Your beliefs have evolved, maybe they are just testing these waters or haven't figured out what they really believe yet!!" I have to admit, when I can hold hand with fierce nature, and guide her, I feel that I can do more good than harm, but I have to know when to step in and when to step out, and above that know when to say I'm sorry. Thanks! (deep breath of release)
WOW..this was gusty, Lisa! Anger is an emotion I've been learning to view as juicy and that can have its own unique creative energy that doesn't always necessarily mean a negative. It's all in the mind. I try to be mindful of my energy and actions. It's a fine balance! Thank you for being in touch. It's great to meet you and find your empowering, creative space here. :o)
"until we are one I will not find peace" -- that's for sure! I don't use the word "hate". I used to, believe me! And then one day I realized that it was such an ugly word and a wasted word. I might dislike and that word can have levels of "heat" to it! We have to have and know anger to be able to register on a scale of where we are...we have emotions/feelings and we can't change that. Anger, well expressed can be good. Anger held back and repressed is a killer. Being able to accept all the parts of who we are...that is being evolved. It doesn't happen overnight. It's a matter of self love and self respect to say "this isn't my nicest feature but it is part of who I am"...as you said, there is much goodness in the angry part of our nature that we can use to our benefit. It's a process like everything else and while I have been able to accept all the parts of who I am, I still find times when I need to remind myself that it's okay to screw up or let myself down. I think I feel richer after one of those times because I know how good it can all be on the other side. Wonderful post Lisa.