Being Breath

stories from the wilderness of everyday life

How Do You Hate Hate?

 She is me.

She is my fierce nature.  She is the take-no-bullshit, get-out-of-my-way pusher.

She rushes through me with a surge of energy, one that is almost addictive.

 

And though we are one and the same, there is her...and there is me.  When I am me, I recognize us both.  I feel us both.  I acknowledge that I am both.  I love.  I connect.  I am peaceful in my core, even when highly emotional everywhere else in my being.  I feel a sense of allowing.  

When I am her - all I see is what she wants me to see.  Anger.  The "RIGHT" way.   I hate.  I disconnect.  I am fire, burning anything I touch - even that which I don't want to destroy.  I feel the need to control.

 

Until we are one, I will not find peace.

 

"The theory of mindfulness insists that accepting uncertainty and the experience of personal control are inseparable." (p87, On Becoming An Artist, Ellen Langer)

 

Every time a bit of uncertainty or fear creeps in, every time I see "other" threatening "me"...she pops in.  She feels the need to control - and yet, she is not mature enough to understand that trying to control - and trying to take responsibility - are vastly different. 

 

"Personal growth is marked by being responsive rather than reactive to the world around us" (p. 67, On Becoming An Artist, Ellen Langer) 

 

I do not want to get rid of her.  She is power.  Nor do I want to celebrate her, as some strength-filled warrior woman.  She is mindless and disconnected.

She is what she is.

I am what I am.

 

For now, I simply pay attention.  I notice when a comment online or an action offline leads to the swell in my gut when I know she is taking control.  The quickening heart, the slight burn in my chest, the shortening breath...she's oh-so-easy to spot.

I sit with the persistent question, How do you hate "hate"?  

 

Please, help -- how do you?