I am so scattered.
I want to apologize to you, not because I fear you have an expectation of how often I will post but because I feel that I am being selfish. I have so much to share and have not made the space to be able to share it.
I want to tell you of my amazing weekend - one of the best I can remember. Filled with family time, bike rides, unbridled excitement in my children's eyes, delicious dining at a tucked-away farmhouse cafe...
I want to tell you of how I made it through Monday - the 5-yr anniversary of an event that destroyed the foundation of my existence, of an event that changed everything I thought I knew about life, an event that forced me to embody the worst pain a human can endure, an event that makes me who I am now.
I want to tell you of the painting I finally finished for someone, the books I am reading and the wisdom they share, the sites I've been visiting and fascinating people out there, the students in 21 Secrets and the unbelievable soul-searching they are doing...
It is all important.
But I have no more space. And the universe is reminding me of this.
As I was typing this, the computer shut off. (We think it's a problem with our surge protector - yet one more thing to purchase!) It took nearly 20 minutes to push through books and papers and search in the house for another surge protector and wind my way through cords to switch plugs just to get the computer back on....which took nearly another 25 minutes to fully turn back on.
We both have too much crap to sort through each time we try to refresh.
I am reminded again - even after the big decluttering - how little space I have in my life....or how much stuff I have. (My dear friend recently referred to it as noise.)
Honestly, it is embarassing to admit this. It is like letting someone into your bedroom and having them poke around in your closet and under the bed....seeing what has previously been shoved aside. It is the truth hidden in dark, forgotten corners. It is admitting that I don't keep a clean house, a clean mind. It is admitting that I start things and do not finish them. It is admitting that - because this is a practice and not an immediate switch - I will do these things again.
We previously cleared out some of the physical stuff our of our home, but the to-do's remain. There is no space for my spirit to expand, my breath to flow, my creativity to express (if I can even find the canvas and the paints for it to do so), my mind to wander.
These brilliant insights I have coupled with the wisdom of others I so desparately want to pass along gets added to the pile of "to-do's"/"to-share's" and slowly sinks in with the rest.
How much of our wisdom is being lost because we don't make space to recognize it, let it grow, and share it?
The kids and I had a race yesterday to see who could clean their room first. As I was re-shelving books in my room, I kept thinking, "ooh, I love that one - I want to read it again!" or "oh yeah - I forgot I had that - I really want to read that one!".
Inspiration and potential growth galore - no space in the schedule of my life to delve in.
Why is this important to you?
Because we all do this. Even you. We all have a lack of space. And as I am finding out as I trip over cords and papers and find books that I never read that could potentially provide just the insight I need...we no longer have the luxury of ignoring the pile o' crap.
Think about those gems you have packed away....those things you've been meaning to do or share that you haven't because of the walls of fear (how would others react?) or the blockades of shoulds (I should get this report done and then I'll get to it...).
How valuable could those things be if you carved space in your life to do them, express them?
How valuable could your expression - merely the act of it or the resulting outcome - be to someone else?
"If we keep denying ourselves the kind of space and time for our minds to take a deep healing, re-energizing breath, we will burn ourselves out, blow up at our staff, and/or cease to be of any value to our organziations."
The same applies, of course, to our lives. If we keep ignoring those things we previously considered luxuries - self-awareness, creative expression, clutter-free home, time to do absolutely nothing - we will cease to be of any value to ourselves. We will enter into a robotic state of being as our rivers of vibrancy trickle down and evaporate.
I know some of you are exploring these very concepts on your blogs or websites and with every word I read I am cheering you along.
Others are attempting little or huge maneuvers in their lives - taking a 180 from a previous path or just pausing on the one they are on.
Still others feel that anxiety within but still feel that this path of which I (and others) speak is great foryou but not for me. After all, I have this going on and this and this and....
To each her own.
But your beliefs and your thoughts direct your right-now-actions which direct what happens tomorrow which directs what happens with your life. It's up to you.
I don't know how this need for space will materialize. For now I will acknowledge that my posts may be more sporadic. I will not be taking a break, per se, because blogging provides a motivational and inspirational energy for me. Your comments and just mere presence (I know you are there...) fills me with joy.
But if I am going to continue sharing, painting, growing...I must put the effort into creating space in my home and my mind.
To the journey....